Jokes

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray:
God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue.
God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue.
My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET!


A redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The redneck says:
I want my $20 million.
The man replied:
No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
The redneck said:
Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The redneck, furious with the man, screams out:
Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!


A man runs home yelling to his wife:
Pack your bags honey, I just won the $10 million lottery!
Wife:
Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?
The husband replies:
Who cares, just pack and get lost!


One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
Where did you get that ring? her husband asks.
Well, she replies, my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
Where did you get that coat? her husband asks.
She replies:
My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.
Where did you get that car? her husband asks.
Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.
What's this? she asks her husband.
- Well, he replies, we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?


At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his Tats Lotto ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.
She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.
The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away.
After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully.
Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room:
I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cos I've just won a shit-load of money, and I'm leaving!
End of job. End of marriage. End of story.


A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window:
I want to open a damn checking account.
To which the astonished woman replies:
I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?
Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!
I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer:
What seems to be the problem here?
There's no friggin problem, dammit! the man says, I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!
I see, says the manager, and this damn woman is giving you a hard time?


Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.