FUNNY HILARIOUS JOKES - Page 1
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a Bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman double"? "Whats that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. "Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night of my life. She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds. So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
A 54 year old mathmetician left his wife a note that said, "When you
get this message, I'll be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old
The wife texted him at the hotel with the following message, "When you
get this your 54 year old wife will be at home with an 18 year old boy
toy. Being a mathmetician you know that 18 will go into 54 a whole lot
more than 54 will go into 18."
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princesses lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken, with a satisfied smile on it's face, is leaning up against the headboard smoking a ciggy. The egg, looking pissed off, grabs the sheets, rolls over, and says "Well I guess we just answered THAT question!"
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."
While attending a spelling session in school one day, The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB? Darla raises her hand and says "I can, I can" The teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla..." Darla replies..."D-U-M-B" The teacher replies, "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?" Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB." The teacher replies, "OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?" Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla." Darla replies, "S-T-U-P-I-D" The teacher replies "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?" Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID." The teacher replies, "OK, well lets continue, can anyone spell the word DICTATE?" No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spell the word DICTATE? Buckwheat replies, "Sure, D-I-C-T-A-T-E" The teacher replies, "very good Buckwheat," and "can you use that word in a sentence?" Buckwheat replies, "Sure I can." "I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good."
Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other uses a wreath. Their husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says: "I'd better watch my wife, she came home last night with no knickers!" The other man says: "You think that is bad, mine had a card wedged up her arse saying: we'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station."
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. "Heavens," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window." The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor." "For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation, "is this a time to be superstitious?"
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" To which she replied "Probably that I married you for your money."
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!" "Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice..."Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"
A man is driving through the city, a cop pulls him over. "Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens for that," sighs the driver. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.